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Random thoughts...
Nov. 13th, 2003 12:59 pm...sometimes, I just can't imagine what death would be like. What it would be like to not be living anymore. Think about it. Think about what all the people who are dead are missing! Think about what you could miss, things that you couldn't do if you were dead. Would it be silence? Is there a place for your spirit to go after you die? Or is it nothing, no color, no noise...or is it nothing in the sense that it doesn't matter anymore and you don't feel anything because you don't exist anymore. And your "soul" has either dried up or disappeared or whatever.
I don't understand death. I understand it's purpose and usefulness, but I don't understand why people think there's something after it. Perhaps they're just rebelling against the idea of not existing anymore, of just going to nothing. It's hard to describe as to what I'm calling "nothing" because the only way to phrease it makes it sound like there's still something left, when in reality there isn't. That's what I mean: nothing exists, there's nothing left. And that's scary.
That doesn't mean that I want to live forever, either. All I want is to have a second chance to be a kid again. So I can go back and have fun. So I can go back and not be so serious and withdrawn and quiet and not having a childhood. I want to change that. I want to be able to look back on my childhood and say I was really a child and played and had fun, and I really can't. And yet, I utterly miss my childhood.
I don't want to graduate. How sad is that? I don't want to graduate and be mature and leave my house and my parents. I'm a true homebody and it's hard for me to imagine going away from there. I think it's something that's left over from moving all the time; all I want is to have a home, and I'm afraid that if I leave that home, I won't be able to come back to it. And that's scary to me.
Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far. I always figured that I would burn out long before I made it to college. I never could imagine the future. Some people are able to look ahead and see where they might go, but whenever I try, all I see is a whole lot of nothing. Well, that's not really true, I do see black blank space.
Another aspect about graduating means that I'll be in a way stuck with my major. I'm afraid to declare, and it's not just about the commitment issues, it's more about, I don't know if this is something I want to do. I've looked over the other majors in our curriculum and none of them are all that appealing. I'm afraid I'm just choosing a history major because I know I can do the work and complete the major. Sadly, I can only afford four years here (if that), and wouldn't be able to change my major at the drop of a hat. Time is slipping away from me slowly, and as I person who sometimes doesn't like to sleep because it means losing time, I'm fighting as hard as I can against it. I just can't seem to let it go. I'm afraid of doing something that will be completely unrepairable, like going to Reading and then not of having a pre-law track. What f that's somethign I really want to do? I don't know. Dammit, I just don't know.
And that's absolutely terrifying.
( Quizzies! )
I don't understand death. I understand it's purpose and usefulness, but I don't understand why people think there's something after it. Perhaps they're just rebelling against the idea of not existing anymore, of just going to nothing. It's hard to describe as to what I'm calling "nothing" because the only way to phrease it makes it sound like there's still something left, when in reality there isn't. That's what I mean: nothing exists, there's nothing left. And that's scary.
That doesn't mean that I want to live forever, either. All I want is to have a second chance to be a kid again. So I can go back and have fun. So I can go back and not be so serious and withdrawn and quiet and not having a childhood. I want to change that. I want to be able to look back on my childhood and say I was really a child and played and had fun, and I really can't. And yet, I utterly miss my childhood.
I don't want to graduate. How sad is that? I don't want to graduate and be mature and leave my house and my parents. I'm a true homebody and it's hard for me to imagine going away from there. I think it's something that's left over from moving all the time; all I want is to have a home, and I'm afraid that if I leave that home, I won't be able to come back to it. And that's scary to me.
Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far. I always figured that I would burn out long before I made it to college. I never could imagine the future. Some people are able to look ahead and see where they might go, but whenever I try, all I see is a whole lot of nothing. Well, that's not really true, I do see black blank space.
Another aspect about graduating means that I'll be in a way stuck with my major. I'm afraid to declare, and it's not just about the commitment issues, it's more about, I don't know if this is something I want to do. I've looked over the other majors in our curriculum and none of them are all that appealing. I'm afraid I'm just choosing a history major because I know I can do the work and complete the major. Sadly, I can only afford four years here (if that), and wouldn't be able to change my major at the drop of a hat. Time is slipping away from me slowly, and as I person who sometimes doesn't like to sleep because it means losing time, I'm fighting as hard as I can against it. I just can't seem to let it go. I'm afraid of doing something that will be completely unrepairable, like going to Reading and then not of having a pre-law track. What f that's somethign I really want to do? I don't know. Dammit, I just don't know.
And that's absolutely terrifying.
( Quizzies! )
