Random thoughts...
Nov. 13th, 2003 12:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ikyrian...sometimes, I just can't imagine what death would be like. What it would be like to not be living anymore. Think about it. Think about what all the people who are dead are missing! Think about what you could miss, things that you couldn't do if you were dead. Would it be silence? Is there a place for your spirit to go after you die? Or is it nothing, no color, no noise...or is it nothing in the sense that it doesn't matter anymore and you don't feel anything because you don't exist anymore. And your "soul" has either dried up or disappeared or whatever.
I don't understand death. I understand it's purpose and usefulness, but I don't understand why people think there's something after it. Perhaps they're just rebelling against the idea of not existing anymore, of just going to nothing. It's hard to describe as to what I'm calling "nothing" because the only way to phrease it makes it sound like there's still something left, when in reality there isn't. That's what I mean: nothing exists, there's nothing left. And that's scary.
That doesn't mean that I want to live forever, either. All I want is to have a second chance to be a kid again. So I can go back and have fun. So I can go back and not be so serious and withdrawn and quiet and not having a childhood. I want to change that. I want to be able to look back on my childhood and say I was really a child and played and had fun, and I really can't. And yet, I utterly miss my childhood.
I don't want to graduate. How sad is that? I don't want to graduate and be mature and leave my house and my parents. I'm a true homebody and it's hard for me to imagine going away from there. I think it's something that's left over from moving all the time; all I want is to have a home, and I'm afraid that if I leave that home, I won't be able to come back to it. And that's scary to me.
Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far. I always figured that I would burn out long before I made it to college. I never could imagine the future. Some people are able to look ahead and see where they might go, but whenever I try, all I see is a whole lot of nothing. Well, that's not really true, I do see black blank space.
Another aspect about graduating means that I'll be in a way stuck with my major. I'm afraid to declare, and it's not just about the commitment issues, it's more about, I don't know if this is something I want to do. I've looked over the other majors in our curriculum and none of them are all that appealing. I'm afraid I'm just choosing a history major because I know I can do the work and complete the major. Sadly, I can only afford four years here (if that), and wouldn't be able to change my major at the drop of a hat. Time is slipping away from me slowly, and as I person who sometimes doesn't like to sleep because it means losing time, I'm fighting as hard as I can against it. I just can't seem to let it go. I'm afraid of doing something that will be completely unrepairable, like going to Reading and then not of having a pre-law track. What f that's somethign I really want to do? I don't know. Dammit, I just don't know.
And that's absolutely terrifying.
You are the hidden beauty
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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I don't understand death. I understand it's purpose and usefulness, but I don't understand why people think there's something after it. Perhaps they're just rebelling against the idea of not existing anymore, of just going to nothing. It's hard to describe as to what I'm calling "nothing" because the only way to phrease it makes it sound like there's still something left, when in reality there isn't. That's what I mean: nothing exists, there's nothing left. And that's scary.
That doesn't mean that I want to live forever, either. All I want is to have a second chance to be a kid again. So I can go back and have fun. So I can go back and not be so serious and withdrawn and quiet and not having a childhood. I want to change that. I want to be able to look back on my childhood and say I was really a child and played and had fun, and I really can't. And yet, I utterly miss my childhood.
I don't want to graduate. How sad is that? I don't want to graduate and be mature and leave my house and my parents. I'm a true homebody and it's hard for me to imagine going away from there. I think it's something that's left over from moving all the time; all I want is to have a home, and I'm afraid that if I leave that home, I won't be able to come back to it. And that's scary to me.
Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far. I always figured that I would burn out long before I made it to college. I never could imagine the future. Some people are able to look ahead and see where they might go, but whenever I try, all I see is a whole lot of nothing. Well, that's not really true, I do see black blank space.
Another aspect about graduating means that I'll be in a way stuck with my major. I'm afraid to declare, and it's not just about the commitment issues, it's more about, I don't know if this is something I want to do. I've looked over the other majors in our curriculum and none of them are all that appealing. I'm afraid I'm just choosing a history major because I know I can do the work and complete the major. Sadly, I can only afford four years here (if that), and wouldn't be able to change my major at the drop of a hat. Time is slipping away from me slowly, and as I person who sometimes doesn't like to sleep because it means losing time, I'm fighting as hard as I can against it. I just can't seem to let it go. I'm afraid of doing something that will be completely unrepairable, like going to Reading and then not of having a pre-law track. What f that's somethign I really want to do? I don't know. Dammit, I just don't know.
And that's absolutely terrifying.
You are the hidden beauty
Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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...sometimes, I just can't imagine what death would be like. What it would be like to not be living anymore. Think about it. Think about what all the people who are dead are missing! Think about what you could miss, things that you couldn't do if you were dead. Would it be silence? Is there a place for your spirit to go after you die? Or is it nothing, no color, no noise...or is it nothing in the sense that it doesn't matter anymore and you don't feel anything because you don't exist anymore. And your "soul" has either dried up or disappeared or whatever.
I don't understand death. I understand it's purpose and usefulness, but I don't understand why people think there's something after it. Perhaps they're just rebelling against the idea of not existing anymore, of just going to nothing. It's hard to describe as to what I'm calling "nothing" because the only way to phrease it makes it sound like there's still something left, when in reality there isn't. That's what I mean: nothing exists, there's nothing left. And that's scary.
That doesn't mean that I want to live forever, either. All I want is to have a second chance to be a kid again. So I can go back and have fun. So I can go back and not be so serious and withdrawn and quiet and not having a childhood. I want to change that. I want to be able to look back on my childhood and say I was really a child and played and had fun, and I really can't. And yet, I utterly miss my childhood.
I don't want to graduate. How sad is that? I don't want to graduate and be mature and leave my house and my parents. I'm a true homebody and it's hard for me to imagine going away from there. I think it's something that's left over from moving all the time; all I want is to have a home, and I'm afraid that if I leave that home, I won't be able to come back to it. And <i>that's</i> scary to me.
Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far. I always figured that I would burn out long before I made it to college. I never could imagine the future. Some people are able to look ahead and see where they might go, but whenever I try, all I see is a whole lot of nothing. Well, that's not really true, I do see black blank space.
Another aspect about graduating means that I'll be in a way stuck with my major. I'm afraid to declare, and it's not just about the commitment issues, it's more about, I don't know if this is something I want to do. I've looked over the other majors in our curriculum and none of them are all that appealing. I'm afraid I'm just choosing a history major because I know I can do the work and complete the major. Sadly, I can only afford four years here (if that), and wouldn't be able to change my major at the drop of a hat. Time is slipping away from me slowly, and as I person who sometimes doesn't like to sleep because it means losing time, I'm fighting as hard as I can against it. I just can't seem to let it go. I'm afraid of doing something that will be completely unrepairable, like going to Reading and then not of having a pre-law track. What f that's somethign I really want to do? I don't know. Dammit, I just don't know.
And that's absolutely terrifying.
<lj-cut text="Quizzies!"><img src="http://images.quizilla.com/L/Lorac/1035590881_ktophidden.jpg" border="0" alt="Hidden Beauty"><br>You are the hidden beauty
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/Lorac/quizzes/Which%20Ultimate%20Beautiful%20Woman%20are%20You%3F/"> <font size="-1">Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>
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<a href="http://www.umich.edu/~rorder/animaniquiz.html">Which Animaniacs Character are You?<br>
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<h6>Talkative, huh? Perhaps sing-ative would be more appropriate, actually. When people don't understand something, it usually drives you to cutting, sarcastic remarks. Your other extreme is bursting into song with almost no prompting, often to explain complex ideas. No one knows quite what you are, exactly. You have made many "special" friends, and there's baloney in your slacks.
<a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/rinnaldo"><br>Click here to see my Livejournal.</a></h6>
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I don't understand death. I understand it's purpose and usefulness, but I don't understand why people think there's something after it. Perhaps they're just rebelling against the idea of not existing anymore, of just going to nothing. It's hard to describe as to what I'm calling "nothing" because the only way to phrease it makes it sound like there's still something left, when in reality there isn't. That's what I mean: nothing exists, there's nothing left. And that's scary.
That doesn't mean that I want to live forever, either. All I want is to have a second chance to be a kid again. So I can go back and have fun. So I can go back and not be so serious and withdrawn and quiet and not having a childhood. I want to change that. I want to be able to look back on my childhood and say I was really a child and played and had fun, and I really can't. And yet, I utterly miss my childhood.
I don't want to graduate. How sad is that? I don't want to graduate and be mature and leave my house and my parents. I'm a true homebody and it's hard for me to imagine going away from there. I think it's something that's left over from moving all the time; all I want is to have a home, and I'm afraid that if I leave that home, I won't be able to come back to it. And <i>that's</i> scary to me.
Honestly, I never thought I'd make it this far. I always figured that I would burn out long before I made it to college. I never could imagine the future. Some people are able to look ahead and see where they might go, but whenever I try, all I see is a whole lot of nothing. Well, that's not really true, I do see black blank space.
Another aspect about graduating means that I'll be in a way stuck with my major. I'm afraid to declare, and it's not just about the commitment issues, it's more about, I don't know if this is something I want to do. I've looked over the other majors in our curriculum and none of them are all that appealing. I'm afraid I'm just choosing a history major because I know I can do the work and complete the major. Sadly, I can only afford four years here (if that), and wouldn't be able to change my major at the drop of a hat. Time is slipping away from me slowly, and as I person who sometimes doesn't like to sleep because it means losing time, I'm fighting as hard as I can against it. I just can't seem to let it go. I'm afraid of doing something that will be completely unrepairable, like going to Reading and then not of having a pre-law track. What f that's somethign I really want to do? I don't know. Dammit, I just don't know.
And that's absolutely terrifying.
<lj-cut text="Quizzies!"><img src="http://images.quizilla.com/L/Lorac/1035590881_ktophidden.jpg" border="0" alt="Hidden Beauty"><br>You are the hidden beauty
<br><br><a href="http://quizilla.com/users/Lorac/quizzes/Which%20Ultimate%20Beautiful%20Woman%20are%20You%3F/"> <font size="-1">Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?</font></a><BR> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://quizilla.com">Quizilla</a></font>
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<text="#F8F9C8" link="#AAAFFF" vlink="#E42866" alink="#008800" leftmargin="5">
<a href="http://www.umich.edu/~rorder/animaniquiz.html">Which Animaniacs Character are You?<br>
<img src="http://www.umich.edu/~rorder/yakko.gif" border=0></a>
<h6>Talkative, huh? Perhaps sing-ative would be more appropriate, actually. When people don't understand something, it usually drives you to cutting, sarcastic remarks. Your other extreme is bursting into song with almost no prompting, often to explain complex ideas. No one knows quite what you are, exactly. You have made many "special" friends, and there's baloney in your slacks.
<a href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/rinnaldo"><br>Click here to see my Livejournal.</a></h6>
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no subject
Date: 2003-11-13 08:00 pm (UTC)I've felt a lot of the things that you've mentioned. I'm scared to graduate and be on my own. I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I'm planning to do a Political Science and Economics double major simply because I'm hoping to cover all my bases (I'm hoping to allow myself a range of job opportunities via the two majors).
I'm the sort of person who needs to plan everything. I'm never secure otherwise . . . and everything lately . . . everything's changing so fast. Too fast for me to plan and account for. That scares me to death. The only thing that keeps me even remotely sane is knowing I have friends and family supporting me all the way.
Anyway. My point is that I'm here for you whenever you need me (to talk, to have fun with, to work on nihongo *dies* . . . anything). I love you.
Denise
Date: 2003-11-14 03:34 am (UTC)I think that most everyone gets worried about the future. I did for a long time, and still do sometimes. But I figure that it's a waste of my energy to worry about something that I can't stop (well, short of suicide, but I don't really consider that an option...), so I try to make myself look forward to it. There are a good many things about growing up (self-determination, more chances to see and learn thing, meeting more people, new experiences), just as there are bad things about childhood. I try not to idealize anything, just to find the advantages to what's to come.
That's my approach anyhow. I hope it's of use to you *helpless shrug*. (There's always the phrase "I may have to grow up, but I don't have to grow old"; perhaps this will come in handy?)